dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
