I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
