I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
