Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
