We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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