Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
