Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
