bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
