If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
