Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When are your genitals available?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
