I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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