just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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