I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
