So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
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THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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