My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
