I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
