dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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