don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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