I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
