They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
