You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
