Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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