We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
