she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize