dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
