you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
