I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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