dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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