What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
