If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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