3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
