I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
