So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
