This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
