Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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