Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
