we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
What happened to fro yo and sex?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
