Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
