Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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