Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Randomize
