Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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