Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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