i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
