why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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