I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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