You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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