i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
