I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
