if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
