So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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