theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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