my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.