just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
