everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
