Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
