i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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