I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
