Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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