I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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